Here's a recap of the past month of each member of Saturnalia, so that we may all get up to speed.
Andrew Burgess : On July 9th, 2010, Andrew "Pants" Burgess caused the death of a baby horse. "It came at me out of nowhere!" he claimed. "What's a guy supposed to do?" After a week long therapy session and a night in the county jail, Andy set off to find a new life of peace and reflection amongst the Buddhist monks of Tibet. High in the Himalayas, he wrestled with the dichotomy of life and death and found a sense of balance previously thought unattainable. Through his discovery, Andrew became effectively immortal and began performing death defying stunts on television. His actions quickly drew criticism from David Blaine, who dismissed it as "parlor tricks" and shortly thereafter they became embroiled in a very public feud. Disappointed with his reception in America, Burgess is expected to return to the Himalayas and live the rest of his life in solitude.
Brandon Koury : Shortly after the events of the 4th of July, in which Brandon ended up with spaghetti down his pants and was legally married to a coconut, the CIA became hip to Brandon's alleged shenanigan-inducing behaviours. After receiving a mysterious late night phone call, he started following a treasure hunt loosely themed around the 1953 Disney classic
Peter Pan. It lead him to the secret entrance of the CIA hideout and he then began training to become an international spy. On July 24th, Brandon Koury was spotted attempting to re-integrate into normal society. It is reported that he attempted to pay for his Foot Long Coney from Sonic with some dirty laundry and a used Kleenex. Questioned about his recent whereabouts, he was only able to offer, "Well, ya see..." before trailing off into incoherent mumbling. We were also sad to say that he was incapable of recognizing his own name and responded only to "Agent Krandle". Brandon Koury is currently overseas, where we imagine he is completing his transformation into the hero we never knew we needed.
Joe McArdell : Sometime in late June, Joe McArdell was seen taking a leisurely stroll through the countryside. He happened upon a strange circus in the middle of a cornfield and enjoyed its small entertainments while refreshing himself with a cool lemonade. Joe allegedly entered the House of Horrors, where he was accosted by a girl wearing long jeans on a hot day. Terrified of its implications (Were her legs made of ice? Were the jeans some awful illusion projected by the mind to shield itself from the terror underneath? Was this the young female version of Mr. Freeze?) Joe ran out screaming and took shelter beneath a willow tree. In the nightshade cast by the willow against the full moon, he fell in love with the trapeze artist and is now traveling around the world with her family's circus. We suspect Joe will tire of this affair quickly and return home to resume his duties in Saturnalia.
Josh Nickleby : Happening upon a cheap Razer scooter in early July 2010, Joshua James Nickleby decided to embark on a journey across America in an effort to have a Hollywood-esque coming of age moment. He decided to begin his journey in Portland, Maine but quickly encountered difficulties at the airport when attempting to bring on board his scooter. Confrontations escalated when Josh was reported to have yelled, "I'M STEVE FOSSET MOTHERFUCKER" into the security guard's walkie talkie. Forced to search for alternative methods of travel, he finally settled on a small 2 seater prop plane manned by none other than Randy Quaid, who appeared to be reprising his role as Russell Casse in the 1994 blockbuster
Independence Day. Josh has outfitted his Razer scooter with a GPS tracking device and we can track his progress across the lower 48 at maps.google.com/gpstracker/thejoshuatreelol/interfa=6458
Patrick Shanks : Has been missing since July 2nd. If you know anything about his whereabouts, please inform your local police.
Will Charlton : Will was reported to have been having an argument with an unknown party on the night of July 1st. Police were called to settle a domestic dispute which they brushed off as "a casual fight between two folks." Several days later, neighbors spotted Will placing what appeared to be a large bag of golf clubs into the trunk of his car. The bag seemed to shift and squirm, they said. In the subsequent weeks, Will Charlton has only been glimpsed briefly, be it getting the newspaper in his bathrobe or peeking out the windows from between the blinds. He refuses to open the door and returns our unnecessarily probing questions with a hollow stare. The only statement we were able to get out of him was the following: "I could have had it all, all the music and gear and the space too, but he just wouldn't
leave!!!"
